It’s been awhile…
And it wouldn’t be a lie to say that I’ve been busy and that I haven’t really had time.
But it would be a lie to say that’s the only reason.
The truth is I’m tired. Exhausted. Worn Down. Wiped Out.
They call it burning the candle on both ends. For me, it feels like burning the candle on both ends while holding that same candle over an open flame.
And there seems like there’s no relief anywhere. At this point, I’d be happy if the light at the end of the tunnel were a train at least that means there’d be an end in sight. Right now, my mind feels like a room with padded walls. I’m circling around looking for the exit and I just can’t find it.
Superwoman is super worn out…
Wonder Woman is wondering what the heck is going on…
My ‘Get Up and Go’? Gone.
But the texts keep coming. The emails still need responses. And the utter bane of my existence…there’s always someone asking another question that needs an answer.
So silently I keep pushing, running on the fumes of fumes…
For days, for weeks, for months…praying that no one sees the fraying that’s starting at the edges.
And the truth of all of this, I’m probably not the only one feeling this way, living this way.
“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance (for the Jews) will arise from another place, but you (and your father’s family) will perish”. Esther 4:14
I’m not saying that anyone’s relief is tied to me choosing to speak. It seems a little arrogant to make that assumption. However, what I do know is that each day that I remain silent causes me to shrink a little more. You have to wonder how long you can continue to shrink before you’re no longer living, you’re just existing; a ghost in a shell so to speak.
But while I’m embracing my truth, I also have to embrace His truth. While I sometimes feel like a ghost in a shell, the reality is that I am a temple for the Holy Spirit. I am the daughter of the King and that relationship affords me some privileges. One such privilege is that my destiny is tied to His promises and His promises don’t fail. I can have more than existence because I’ve been promised life and life more abundantly.
I don’t know what that means for me right now because I don’t feel happy.
Luckily, joyfully, my feelings don’t deter His promises.
I don’t have the answer to happy right now, but if you’re feeling like I’m feeling, then I sure hope that it helps you to know that you’re not alone.
I feel you. I’m too tired to making any progress on a hobby project, and seeing my hobby materials collect dust and go unused makes me feel a little depressed, which makes me even more less likely to make progress on a hobby project. The cycle continues.
Exactly!!